This essay contains great arguments and definitely has the potential to be great. Your last body paragraph is by far the best part of your essay. It has the best quotes and argument, and it flows perfectly with you essay. Your intro, however, needs some work. It just doesn’t connect with the reader right off the bat, and needs a better hook. Use the anecdote that you had later in that paragraph. I also wanna see a more “they say” argument. This is an argumentative essay, but in a counter paragraph, or include it in your body paragraphs as you write. Another thing I noticed was that your thesis used the three men’s essays. Since this is the case, take advantage of it. Your essay could be filled with quotes, and it will extend your essay, along with making it a super strong argument with so much support. The last thing to fix is your conclusion, but just re-word it a little but and you’ll be fine.
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Nice work. I applaud your effort to respond to your peer’s areas of concern. You left specific feedback, noting specific changes that you felt could benefit your peer’s argument. Keep up the good work.